.xx. we will only just remember how it feels

So…. I’ve decided to start writing again. I don’t know why exactly, but i think it’ll be good for me.

I woke up this morning with high hopes that a) Stas was still around b) he had decided not to go to work.

NOPE.

He’d just forgotten to turn the light off (which had been the very thing that woke me up).

Anywayyyy, Vice Convent in KL is officially happening on April
14 so yay we’ll be gorging ourselves on lotsa food (again).

I really want nuggets from OCK. Why does 313 have to be do far away (ok not really but..)?

I am no longer afraid of the dark.

I used to be.

But things are different now.

I haven’t been afraid of the dark, or the horrors that might lie waiting in it, since my father passed away. Its funny, because I wouldn’t dare to close my eyes after watching a horror movie, even when he was alive. Maybe now that I know his physical body’s gone now, I can console myself that his metaphysical form will kick the ass of any other metaphysical being that dares to even harbour thoughts of hurting me.

I used to be afraid of the dark when I slept by myself in my room. Now I have a person laying next to me, whose movements I can keep track of, just by lying still and listening to the mattress move; mattress diving, if you may.

I lost someone who will never be replaced, but I found someone else whose place in my heart will never be filled by another person.

I am no fool, nothing is forever. But who says we shouldn’t enjoy the transience of happiness, even of it means being overwhelmed with joy at finding your favourite flavour at the ice cream shop.

Maybe the transience of the good things in life is what makes them all the more beautiful.

I could spend an eternity mourning my father’s passing, or take a minute to relive the memories of him holding my hand in Central Park. I could wallow in the cold, hard truth that romance does not last forever, or I could smile, and snuggle up to the warm body lying next to me and fall asleep.

You used to hold my hand as I learned how to stand and walk on my own.

24 years later, I held your hand as you learned to let go, and to let me stand on my own two feet.

Hello papa,

It’s been 33 days since you went away.

You left such a huge void in my life when you left, and it really did feel
, at least for a while, like I would never be able to be completely happy again.

I cried myself to sleep for the majority of nights since you went away.

And then I saw you, one more time. I don’t know if it was a dream or a vision; you coming back because you saw how broken I was, or my own psyche knowing that I wouldn’t be able to take much more, but I saw you. It was in that place that the line from Peter Pan talked about - the place between sleep and awake. I know I wasn’t sleeping, but I definitely wasn’t fully awake either. Whatever I was, wherever it was, you were there. I may have only seen you for what now seems like a split second, but that was enough. You looked like you did before you started growing weaker; you looked like the personal superhero of mine that I always knew you were.

And you looked happy.

I am crying again, as I write this. But I am not the mess of a person that I was before I saw you again.

I know I can, and will, move on from this. I will never stop missing you, or wishing that I could hear your voice again, but I know now that you left me with people whom you know will always be by my side.

So wherever you are now, papa, be happy and take a break from always worrying about me. Your baby girl might not know how to stand up completely by herself yet, but she’s got people who won’t ever let her fall.

You were brave for so long, and I know everything you did in life, right up to the final moment, was to teach me to be strong.

See you soon, after all, you did promise to attend my graduation ceremony and to walk me down the aisle at my wedding.

Till then, there won’t ever be a single day that I won’t miss you.